Articles, Blog

Eliud Kipchoge’s Historic Marathon Run, “Prenups” for Babies & Farmers’ Sex Lives | The Daily Show


The world of marathon running. Most people just run them
so that they can brag to their friends
about running marathons. Although that’s not
why I run them. I, uh, I do it
for the tiny cups of water. Anyway, this weekend, one man ran straight
into the record books. In Vienna, Austria,
a marathon runner from Kenya made history
going the distance in under two hours
for the first time. TV REPORTER: One hour,
59 minutes and 40 seconds, but it won’t be counted
as a new world record because it wasn’t
an official race. All of it stage-managed
in forensic detail, a specially-chosen flat
six mile circuit in Vienna. Kipchoge wore the much-debated
white Nike Vaporflys, and there was an army
of three dozen pacers, some of the world’s
best marathoners, who took turns pounding
the grueling four minute and 34 second mile
pace in formation. Wow, that is amazing. Eliud Kipchoge ran a marathon
in less than two hours, which was thought to be
physically impossible. And you know this guy’s a freak
athlete because, I mean, like, he kept running after
he crossed the finish line. That was insane. Like, usually when someone
finishes a marathon, they’re like, (panting):
“I did it. My nipples fell off
but I did it.” And this guy’s just like,
“That was a good warm-up. “Now for the race. Eh,
what are we doing, eh? Are we ready?” I love how some people
are now saying that the only reason
he broke this record is because he had on
special Nike running shoes. Yeah, you know what?
Why don’t you go get those shoes and you tell me
how fast your time is. Go. We’ll wait.
Go get those shoes. (cheering and applause) Come on, you can’t give
the shoes credit. You can’t give
the shoes the credit. If anything, him being Kenyan
is the cheating part. That’s being unfair. Yeah. He wasn’t like, “Oh, my God,
I’m wearing these Nikes.” It’s more like the Nikes
were like, “Oh, my God. “We’re wearing a Kenyan.
We’re gonna win! We’re gonna win!” Moving on. Having a baby changes your life. You have to take care of it
for 18 years or until Maury tells you
you’re not the father. And apparently,
with great responsibility comes great amounts
of paperwork. -TV REPORTER: Bringing home baby
-(baby crying) can be overwhelming, but now,
expectant couples are creating baby pre-nups, or contracts, to help ease
the stress. WOMAN: A baby pre-nup
is an agreement made between both parents
where they know what their roles
will look like, what their duties may be like once the baby arrives,
so that there’s no surprises. We signed the document
with witnesses. Some things that we included
were things like grandchild
and grandparent access as well as financial
implications. Yes, the newest fad in
white people childrearing is baby pre-nups. And look, I’m just
gonna put it out there. If you need your partner
to sign a pre-nup that they’re gonna help you
raise a kid, maybe you don’t want to raise a
kid with that person. Uh, ’cause how are you
even gonna enforce that? Right? Are you just
gonna come home like, “Hey, did you feed the kid?” “No.”
“Then I’ll see you in court.” I think it’s becoming
too stressful to become friends with couples
who have babies these days. First it was baby showers, then it became
gender reveal parties, now I’ve got to be a witness
to your pre-nup signing? Like, if I wanted to be this
big part of your baby life, then I should have a say in
whether or not you have one. Like, the couple should have
to phone friends and be like, “Hey, Trevor, we’re thinking
of having a baby.” I’d be like, “Actually, guys,
I’m trying to focus “on my career right now. “I can’t be friends with, like,
a couple who has a baby. I’m sorry.” Baby pre-nup. You know who should sign
baby pre-nups? Babies. Yeah. They’re the ones
who should make guarantees. Before they come out,
they need to put it in writing what they’re gonna do
or not do. You’ll only cry
between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m.,
not the whole night. You know,
you’re only gonna shit yourself this many times in a day. Yeah, it would be great
if they sign a contract. Then when the baby’s,
like, losing their mind at, like, 2:00 a.m., you can
just show them the contract. They’d be like…
(imitating crying) And you’re like, “Ah, ah, ah.” The baby’s like, “Aah,
I’ll see you in a few hours. Aah.” Oh, and speaking of babies, uh, let’s talk
about how they’re made. NEWSWOMAN:
Well, guess who’s having a field day in the sheets. A new study shows farmers have the most sex
out of any other profession, on average having sex
at least once a day. 67% of them rate their
performance as incredible. Sex experts say
it’s because farmers are likely to be more fit
than deskbound city dwellers and have more stamina. Farmers were closely followed
by architects and hairdressers
for having the most sex. At the bottom of the list,
journalists. (laughter and applause) Yeah, that’s right. Apparently,
of all the professions, farmers have the most sex, and journalists have the least. Which doesn’t shock me,
all right? In this era, journalists
don’t have time to be having sex because Trump
is always breaking news. I bet every time journalists try
and set the mood… They’ll be at home,
like, lighting candles. They’ll be like,
“Baby, it’s time.” (vocalizing) “I’ve been really trying
to build this wall.” “Goddamn it, he did it again!” And as for the farmers, like, of course
they have a lot of sex. Farming is a sexy profession.
Think about it. All day, what do they do?
Plowing, huh? Planting seeds. Growing eggplants. Watering vagina trees. Yeah. Although, although, I will say, they didn’t say farmers
are having sex with people. Yeah. They just said
they have the most sex. All I’m saying is scarecrows
don’t need to have mouths. That’s all I’m saying.

100 Comments

  1. Isa Isa Author

    ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎

    Reply
  2. Liz C Author

    as a woman farmer- I was so let down by the white guy photo and the joke about "what" we're having sex with… we have amazing sex with other people and yes, at least once a day!

    Reply
  3. MusicfromMarrs Author

    Prenup: pre-nuptial = pre marriage. So wtf for babies? Prenatal for pre- natal?

    Either way, if you need a legal agreement for who takes care of the baby when, perhaps don’t marry and couple up. Unwanted pregnancy with someone who you aren’t married to is obviously different.

    Reply
  4. MLG GAMER Author

    Farmers is a sexy profession? I see where you were going there Trevor you sly dude. All the sexual references. Also I heard that the terminology Baby prenup actually means two baby's would have to get married so it is misused. Also congrats to Eliud Kipchoge. Another success for black people.

    Reply
  5. laptop laptop Author

    Actually trevor you're right it's becoming too stressful being friends ppl with kids. Gender reveal ,Baby shower, then babysitting. Feelings would get hurt if any ask for my advice😂

    Reply
  6. Optimus Phoenix Prime Author

    🕵️‍♀️ Planet moron… Millions of years of evolution and this is what we cum to evolving…
    “Prenups” for Babies…
    Here sign this prenut cumtract!
    You can never divorce my cock!
    Blowjobs all the time!

    Reply
  7. Optimus Phoenix Prime Author

    Sex once a day? 🕵️‍ I used to fuck a few times a day!
    . Alarm cock

    I swear i must of been golden gloves!
    Needed towels and mop

    If they didn't work as much they would fuck more then 1 time a day
    I didn't farm 🐱‍👤 Martial arts

    Reply
  8. Timmah200 Author

    Isn't "prenup" short for pre-nuptial, which is defined as before a wedding/marriage? This doesn't make sense…you're not marrying your infant…I hope…

    Reply
  9. IWantTo Believe Author

    I would've laughed at the baby prenup but my daughter found out her husband was cheating 3 months after my granddaughter was born. He went from being a great dad to a crappy dad. She made him sign a form she just doesn't know it's what they are calling a Baby Prenup or I guess it's a Postnup.👈

    Reply
  10. YeeSoest Author

    Okay no, two things about the "Marathon record".
    First: If you have all that help and only beat the Target by 20 seconds, you know the 2 hour mark is still pretty safe for official competition. It's not about ME, with those shoes 30 other guys would have done it !
    Second: I used to take Marathon seriously until I noticed they do IronMan contests where the Marathon is basically the victory lap sometimes…they also do supermarathons and cross country marathons…
    Normal Marathon running is chopped liver^^

    Reply
  11. YeeSoest Author

    The sad answer to the question "why do Farmers get laid so much" is "because noone else is alone with cattle so much"
    Meh, beat me to it, Trev;)

    Reply
  12. ks391262 Author

    What about the woman who just broke the woman's marathon record?? 2 hours and 14 minutes!! May be more impressive and also happened this week.

    Reply
  13. Daniela Viera Author

    Both my parents are architects, they must be some sort of sex ninjas because my room is literally right next to them, I can hear them snore at night. How the hell are the having sex?

    Reply
  14. Gino diFonzo Author

    Black people baby pre-nup: Father impregnates baby-momma then does dirt and goes to jail. Baby-momma raises child when she isn't screwing father's friends. Fuck you Trevor; I'm sick of you dissing "white people" you race-baiting clown.

    Reply
  15. J. H. Author

    Soooo….. what happens if a parent breaks one of the agreements in the prenup? They get grounded?A fine? Probation? Imprisonment? Social media taken away? Permanently documented on their relationship record file?

    Reply
  16. xseqer Author

    There is another scale we might measure this "more sex" on and that is the scale of time spent thinking about this gahdam Human World and its inmates, or even just 'thinking'. When "mind" actually just means "brainstem", answering the call of the monkey is all there is to do anyway.

    Reply
  17. Anzi Dong Author

    When Michael Phelps wore his special swim suit no body talks shit about him. I see racist undertone in those complains about Eliud's nike shoes.

    Reply
  18. Derick Wafula Author

    Nimekuja hapa venye nimeona kipchoge alafu Trevor amesema jina vizuri.Asante Trevor kupasha watu wachukue izo viatu wakimbie waone watafika wapi

    Reply
  19. On Taka Author

    Farmers plow seed and breed when they are not working on the field.
    If Trevor Noah was British, he would have come up with one of those "Sheep" jokes.

    Reply
  20. Michael Ebrahimi Author

    No man willingly wants a baby prenup, but all men want the actual prenup. It just says the feminist movement is a success. No normal prenup in most marriages and now baby prenups exist.

    Reply
  21. Leslie Page Author

    I'm just going to adopt. I don't trust anybody else to raise my child. I know how I'm going to raise my child. If I was a woman, I would just bone somebody who doesn't seem like a shit stain, have the baby, and never tell them.

    Humans are shit. Relationships are irrational and unhealthy.

    Reply
  22. Django Worldwide Author

    "a marathon runner from Kenya" ? Is this how you describe the world record holder and Olympic champion? Was Phelps "a guy from the us" when he won his gold medals? Can you be more deep racist?

    Reply
  23. Mark S Author

    Baby Pre-nups? Seriously? How hard is it to understand? One parent spends every waking hour at work, at the bar, or in front of the Xbox, and occasionally mows the lawn. The other one does literally everything else. They continue this arrangement until they can't stand each other. Then, after a messy divorce, the first parent constantly complains about how the second parent took 1/2 their stuff (and occasionally remembers to mention the kids). And when they graduate, the first parent talks about everything he did for them when they were little.

    Reply
  24. DarkRubberDucky Author

    The reason farmers have so much sex is because they try to have as many kids as possible to have more people to help them on their farms. As my mama told me, since my mother's side of the family is from rural Mississippi, where we were related in some fashion to half the bloody county.

    Reply
  25. David Szaks Author

    To be fair its is kidna unfair to have technologically advanced shoes. You can say "put them on and see how fast you run" but the people who previously set the records w/o those shoes are probably too old or dead now so they can't see how fast they would have one if they had special shoes on. Also I ran a marathon in under a minute. Sure I was running on a treadmill in the back of a truck but we went more than 26 miles and I was running. What's under my feet don't count right.

    Reply

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *