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FARMER JACK | Hitman #6


Top of the morning to ya laddies my name is Jacksepticeye! and welcome back to Hitman! The new episode is finally out. We can get back into the world of Mr. Bald-A-Tron here. And now we’re in Colorado. Any of you from Colorado out there? Lovely place. I really like the look of it already. It’s very very rustic, very countryside. As an Irishman, that speaks to me. There’s a tractor right here! That’s how you know a good place, right? So, we’re on an apricot farm apparently. I am NOT dressed for picking apricots. Okay, where are people? There’s my two targets over there… I have four,oh no… I have four targets! Aww shite-balls. Hello? Dudes? Down there? Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna walk through here nicely. This is a very nice lookin’ map. I love countrysides. Not just in games but just in general. I love looking at countrysides out in the open as well. Out in the real world, not this fake videogame-y world. Where people are able to climb through windows… It’s not even realistic. Right, there’s a guy right there. There’s two guys right there. Okay. Every time I see one I manage to somehow see two. Okay, what do we got here? A fucking coin. We’re in buisness! That’s how we’re gonna do this. Coins. Okay, vault out over this. What was that? “Would you like to track this opportunity?” Ahhh, hells to the yes! Got it. Well thank you, Diana. Hell yeah it is! Um, so we’re going over…that way. How am I gonna do this? I am going to be spotted by everyone in this place. Do I have to go from like, cover to cover? Aww, Jesus! This dude needs to go away. No, I don’t wanna throw a coin! This dude over here. He’s putting the gun away. He’s taking his dick out…he’s putting it in the fire..Thats almost as gay as pewdiepie. Dude! Relax! Don’t put your dick in the fire! Okay let’s go this way. (sings) ♫ Dum de dum dum dum Dum dum ♫ (sings) ♫ Sneaky sneaky 47. ♫ (Evil Chuckle) He he he he I turned off your fucking thing. What are you gonna do about it now? Investigate? Ha, I don’t think so. Yeah, he probably gonna investigate. Should I garrote him? Surprise… GARROTE! Nyah! Strangle the bastard! [Evil Jack Sounds] Are we good? Ummm! No! You-Your buddy’s sick! He- He’s hurt! I’m bringing him away. He vomited. I’m trying to help him! So am I! I’m helping your friend! EH, fucking ow! Ow! OW! Christ Almighty! All I was doin’ was being nice! Sneaky! You don’t see me! I am a spider on the wall. I. Am. Darkness itself. Damn, that’s a sick combine harvester. I want that. Ohh. What’s up Sean Rose! Your name is half of my name! (Sings) ♫His name is my name…♫ (Sings) ♫My name is his name!♫ (Sings) ♫His name is my name.♫ (Sings) ♫Maybe I should kill him!♫ Okay, hop the bales. This is just like living in Ireland! You hop the bales. Okay, what is this? Uh huh. Got it! Okay! So I can switch the gel for something else and fuck ’em up. Ooo, what’s in here? That’s not a room, (laughs) I thought it was a room with special stuff in it. Ah, look at the teeny tiny little house! Oh, it’s so adorable! It’s got teeny tiny little cows and horses and pigs. Oh, I just wanna stay here and play with this. Yeah! This is my happy place. My safe space. It’s a really good looking level. I really like it. Okay. Sneaky. Sneaky! Man, I’m so sneaky! If everybody else was as sneaky as me, you’d see nobody in the level! (evil chuckle) heh heh heh. I’m still going to the basement though. That dude apparently had a mask down there. Ohh, I almost climbed through the window! That would have been le terrible. Awwww, there’s a lot of them. What? That’s another guy I have to kill. Or lady. I can’t tell from here. I think it’s a lady. Um. Thank god for all these conveniently placed bales around here. I’d be fucked otherwise. You gonna spot me if I get over this? Ohhhhh. You don’t see a thing! I am the night. I’m so glad he didn’t’ turn around. Okay. Okay. How is nobody spotting me! You guys are blind bastards. Go, go, go, go, go, go! Ohh. Hey. How’s- How’s it goin’? Uh, why do you want me on my knees? (Slurred) Officer Hey! Is this a surprise birthday? You guys shouldn’t have! Aww… They’re fucking! Jesus Christ! “Rose’s watch blueprint” . Dude! I’m gonna make him the worst watch. In-game Narrator: “According to the blueprint Sean Rose is building a In-game Narrator: an explosive battery unit for a link four smart watch. In-game Narrator: The charge appears-” Jack: Why? In-game Narrator: ” -to be email triggered. The unassuming target checks In-game Narrator: his messages. The virus triggers the charge In-game Narrator: and boom! Very clever. Not to mention devious. In-game Narrator: The resident hackers have installed the software trigger In-game Narrator: on one of their phones, and here is the punchline: Rose himself wears a link four.” Jack: Nice! So I can blow up his own wrist? Ooo, this is gonna be good! I do not want to turn on the radio. There’s two dudes behind this door. Gah! Where do I go? This place is swarming with dudes. This is what it would be like in reality. There’d just be guys everywhere it’d be really hard to get through the place Oh man. What? Wait which one is Sean Rose? It was that guy right? Out there. He’s not there anymore… Is that him? I don’t know who’s who. It’s like playing guess who with people. [Alarm Sounds] Ohhh! I turned on it for the whole fuckin’ place. Oh! “Fire Alarm”. I should have known. I should have turned on the radio. So one guy came in here I didn’t put the whole fucking place into lockdown. That’s stupid! Come on in bro.. Come on in let that door close behind ya. Oh, it’s a fun time in here with Jack! Don’t get too close though. What’s up buddy? WHAT’S UP? [Evil Jack Sounds] Strangled! Okay, I need your disguise. Thanks. That’s great. Now I need to drag… Huh, why? Why? Every fucking time. Solider: Sir I will shoot you like a rabid dog if you don’t- Jack: I will fucking punch you in the head! Jack: Here we go. Jack: Knockout. Nice! Compromise why? Already wearing disguise. Yeah that’s fucking great. Can I put you in there as well? What am I opening? No close that fucking door. Drag this dude… Okay I need to turn off that radio it’s annoying the shit out of me Okay. We’re not that bad. There go in with your friend. There, all buddied up. Good lads. I can hide at least four more bodies in there. Ah, thank god the radio is off. Okay fine. We’re done now. Blend in as a militia solider . Oh there we go. Yes. Of course. Aha! I- Oh wait wait wait I stopped blending in. Ah, there we go! Ah, militia work. Oh, plotting devices. Sending nuke codes! Checking my Facebook statu- I mean! [Record Scratch] Military stuff… Okay they didn’t suspect anything. (German Accent) What is up, fellow soldiers? (German Accent) My name is Ja- (German Accent) I mean, my name is Johans. (German Accent) Not Jack. (German Accent) Jack was the other guy. He was the guy who looked all bald. (German Accent) I am Johans. (German Accent) I am here to kill people. (German Accent) But not the people you are thinking of. Very bad people. (Normal Voice) I think I blended in. I think I’m good. Okay I need to take out my gun again. And I have this. Yes. Okay. If anybody comes up in front of me…Oh! Super spicy tacos! Ohh, I want some. I love me some tacos. Especially super spicy ones. I love spicy food. Right who do I have to kill? I have to get – I’m lookin’ for a battery. Let’s go look for that. Oh! It’s nice when people aren’t suspicious of ya! Or when I shoot ya in the abdomen four hundred times. This is pleasant! That’s a big house… Solider: -Securities tight and we can’t let any security personnel through… Soldier: Sorry. Jack: Security’s tight we can’t let any Security personnel through Sir!… Give me your badge number! Excuse me, sir! What- Who’s your authority? This lady right here? That’s cool. In-game Narrator: That is Penelope Graves. Jack: Yeah, Penelope Graves! Soldier: You should holster that bad boy right away mate! (Soft Music)
You’ll be my friend won’t ya, fire? (Soft Music) (Soft Music)
You’ll- You’ll help me blend in (Soft Music)
You’ll keep me warm when everybody else wants… (Soft Music)
to be the badness? (Soft Music)
When everyone else wants to kill me. Oh my god! I can actually hide… stuff in the scarecrow! That’s awesome! I don’t have a reason for it, but it would be cool if I could become the scarecrow and just stand there. As you came up to look at it you just stab them in the face. Or like a horror movie. Okay I need to figure out how to get to each of these people. How to kill each of them. I know I can use the watch to kill Sean Rose, that’s one thing that I got going for me. But, there’s three other people that I have to kill. I have to get a better outfit. I have to get one of the higher security personnel’s outfits. to be able to get into the house. to be able to get the battery. to be able to put the virus in his phone. to be able to put it, watch bomb. to be able to blow off his hand. That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. Soldier: Hello? Is anybody there? Jack: I am. Hi friend. I was trying to, ah, distract you. But, ah, you were too clever You were supposed to go that way. Go! Oh come on that dude isn’t even down there now anymore What’s even the point? I might as well just gonna give up and go home. Fuck, it’s all over folks. Goodbye, good luck. Come on! Okie dokie. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Yeah! I fucking did it. Uh, balls. Unlock, unlock. Enter u- ah, I don’t have the keys! Oh, now I’m on a security camera. H-Hi, hi hi! Uh, how are you guys doing? Good to see ya, thanks for coming out! Yeah, friends! Whoo! We’re all buddies, now, right? Of course we are, sure! Don’t shoot me! Don’t- no, Don’t shoot me! AHHHH! AHHH, LET ME OUT! AHHhhh, man! *giggles* I didn’t know there were gonna be more dudes down there! Can’t I just take a boat? Take a boat, go down the river, go do some fishing, maybe have a few beers or something? No? I-Is it ALWAYS with the murdering? And the hitmaning, and the turning-around-and-going-back-so-you’re-not-getting-caughtinging? Yeah, it seems to be. gYUPP! Hngg, oh, gotcha buddy boy. oh. oh. ohh. There’s guys right there, ooOHHH, don’t spot anything! Ohhh! You didn’t see anything! It wasn’t me! *soft screaming* i”M OUTTA HERE, BYE! Hello, you taking a little stroll? Taking a little strollsies? yyEEP! BEHIND YOU, BITCH! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! How?! How did you fucking see that, you cock?! Oh, I understand, bitch! I understand that you’re going in a fucking grave! Here we go, here we- what?! OHH! He wasn’t knocked out the first time, I only knocked him over. Ohh, that’s a lesson in life for you, kids! Don’t just knock over, knock out as well! What??! YOU FUCKING COCKS! I DID THAT PERFECTLY! Okay, I did it. I got a new disguise. Hey, fellers. You gonna- you gonna- YEAH! Nobody spots me now, this time. Hello! Remember that..Ohhh that guy knows who I am! Oooooo! Remember the dude who was protecting you a second ago you came out and you were like “Oh hey, Steve” Yeah. I’m still Steve, okay? For all intents and purposes I’m still Steve. According to that guy I still am anyway. I just need Captin Nipple-Face to go away. There we go. Go back and suck on batteries. It’s what your mother told you to do, wasn’t it? Imma just- Imma just be me. And Imma just fuckin- Ahhh that guy knows as well. God. Suck my ass! Soldier: Salute Soldier. Jack: Sup? What’s crackalackin’ dude? That’s what…these soldiers say, right? I think so. I fucking hope so. Otherwise I am way out of character. I need to be able to blend in agian. Ah.. Sup, homeslizzle? Soldier: I just need to talk to you sir. No you don’t! You don’t need to talk to anybody! We already talked last week you told me all about your emotions and your feelings. Hey, what’s up motherfuckers? I’m going in this house and I’m gonna have a cup of tea. I fucking- I deserve one. Oh look oh! Blending in Oh militia, militia, technitia. Ha ha! I’m going upstairs. Okay? I’m just going over- What am I looking for again? Explosive battery. Is that it? I fuckin forget what I was doing. It’s a nice house , why’d you guys destroy it? A lovely place. You guys suck. Right. If I was an explosive battery I’d be in there. Ah! There’s another dude I need to kill in there. He’s got demon eyes! This is my kind of bedroom. What are you guys watchin’? Are you watchin’, you’re watchin’ – aww what’s that? Cain and Lynch? Really are you somebody play that? That’s a nice Easter egg! That’s cool I like that one. Who’s- who spotted me? Who’s spotted me? Oh fuck.. I’m going out the window! Would a guy that you’re suspicous of go out a window? Would he really? Soldier: Move! Move! Yeah he probably would. The lady I need to kill is right there. Oh, oh. Hi! Oh, I could have killed her so easily! Oh no! I don’t have the fucking keys for that- okay. Imma just go upstairs then. I need to find a battery. It’s fine. Explosive battery, but a battery none-the-less. Those are easy to find. I don’t know why everyone’s so bent out of shape about it. I’ll go find a battery no problem. Look, I found a fucking baseball That’s something right? Are you guys hackers? Really? So sterotypical. The guy I need to kill is right here. Oh good! Let’s just-there we go. Oh I didn’t mean to subdue him I meant to garrote him. There’s no place to hide a body in here… Wha-? Uh oh! Rose’s room key? I already have Rose’s room key! He’s the dude- Okay snap neck. *Neck snapping sounds* Yessss.. One down three to go. I did it. That was the dude i was trying to find the battery for to blow him up. That was the point. Look at yourself in the eye. Are you happy with yourself? Are you happy with the man that’s in the mirror? I am. He’s super cute. *Smooch sound* Uh, I have-I have an announcement to ma- Oh, wait. Wait. I have an announcement. [Megaphone Voice] Ladies and gentlemen. Where is your leader? Please take me to him, I need to see how you um… Do things… {Solider} Keep fighting for the free world [Normal Voice] Who said that? [Megaphone Voice] Who said that? Sir? Sir! Down on the ground! Down on the ground, sir. [Normal Voice] I’ll create an oil leak Faster, faster, faster, faster. Yes! There’s an oil leak now Mr. Segarro is gonna come out puff puff lighting up a ol ciggie, and BOOM blow his fucking face off! Then he’s gonna Need to wear a mask. If you know what I mean Talking about melting his face off. Where is he going? I need you to get back to- to go back to the tractor. Please, I need you to blow up. Patience is key. That’s how you really take out your target and assassinate them. You follow, you watch, you observe. You see their daily habits, you see what they had for lunch. What their poop smells like. You follow them all day long. Until finally… [Light Snap] the dragonfly snaps and breaks your neck! Dragonflies, the assassins of the world. Can you smoke another cigarette for- ohhhh there’s two right here! Oh, I could just put out a gun and BAP BAP Pop both of your noggins. [Various Chatter] {Soldier} I got tons of respect for you guys. {Another Voice} Well that’s the idea. So, I take it you finally met Rose? What’s happenin’? My guy, my guy’s having a little jig. He’s having a little twitch. You okay dude? Dude! They’re gonna spot you! [Jack Blubbing] If I keep freaking out then- [Dissapointed Sigh] Ohhh they were both right here I could have set fire to this and killed both! No matter, no matt- I told you patience…. [Deep Breath] is key! And all that bullshit. I’ll just follow you around here then, and wait for Dr. Dinkle-bottom to come back out of his room then a little puff puff boom-y boom. Here we go. Here we go, the master’s plan. Is in action. Come out here do a little puff puff cigarette, bro. Come on now. I know you need it. I know you’re addicted. There ya go. Light that cigarette and… Where-? Where’s the boom? Hello? Where-Where’s my boom? Where’s my explosion? Where’s my death? This is not what I ordered. I said, “No onions!” Maybe when he puts it out? [Explosion] Jesus Fuck! Yep, that fucking worked re- Run men! There’s explosions a goin’ on! He he he he, that was fuckin’ awesome. [Laughter] Two down! Two to go. {Solider} Sir, you’re gonna have to cut that out right now. Imma get a great view from up here. *Gasps* I can see everything. I can see all I can see my enemy. Oh that’s another lady. Ah OK. Maya and Penelope those are the two i haft – haft to kill. I can do it no problem. Where ya going maya?
I’m telling ya ~sniffs deeply~ Sniff them out, patience.. watch all day! I’m the watchful protector I am all the source of… all jus… ~Jack Yells Out~Shut Up I’m monologuing! let me be a super hero I’ma.. I’ma go over here..

100 Comments

  1. hi35728 gaming Author

    17:41 Jack: Patience is key
    Me: what the fuck its speed like you say in last episodes so like what the motherfucking hell???

    Reply
  2. Jessica Peachey Author

    Okay is it just me? I played this and one of the pictures of 47's kills looks like jack. The part where 47 looks at the map. He walks over but it skips at 34:18. Play the game. Let me know. I can't be the only one.

    Reply
  3. Grant Walton Author

    Enemy: PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, NOW!!!
    Jack: proceeds and walks towards the enemy
    Enemy: Doesn’t shoot
    Reality is often disappointing

    Reply
  4. Cash Munson Author

    5:34 jack gets messed up timeline it costs a li… nothing it is free
    G.irishman:climbs through window

    American:on your knees

    Irishman:aww thank yo.. to be continued

    Reply
  5. Grant Walton Author

    I can’t imagine what the neighbors think when they hear “LADIES AND GENTLEMAN WHERE IS YOURE LEADER? I NEED TO SEE HOW YOU DO THINGS!” Come from next door

    Reply
  6. Banana Child Author

    I think I've found an easter egg… If you turn on subtitles there's something at 2:06 that he doesn't actually say…

    Seriously, take a look.

    Reply
  7. * ImWeirdStuff * Author

    Sean in dis video: patience is key
    Nobody:
    Still nobody:
    Me: goes outside and runs around on the streets SPEED IS FLUFFIN' KEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

    Reply
  8. octavian taylor Author

    normal hitman: uses gun that is straped on mah dang back to clear guards
    game :here is a gun
    guard: shoots jack (dumb bot)

    jack:………..UH-OH runs away instead of using the damn gun
    guard:YOU JUST GOT PWNED FTW

    Reply
  9. Dawid Blecharz Author

    Jack i thought that this will be done in silent assassin style but you don't even care who will die if its gonna be the target or the guard

    Reply
  10. Chancey C Author

    15:02 I am pretty sure that is the China Town level in Hitman Absolution. It looks like the same method I used when I got cought and was tired of being sneaky.

    Reply

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