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Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse With P. Allen Smith


I’m Tracy Ellen from Channel 17 News, and
this is a Breaking News Bulletin. The world as we know it appears to be in chaos as numerous
reports of zombies pour in from across the globe. Experts say that the virus is not airborne,
so the only way to get infected is to be bitten. You know, this is about the time that everyone
panics. But, you know, there’s actually a few easy tips you can follow that will help
survive the zombie apocalypse. …Appears to be infected. And remember, aim for the
head. The first thing you need to know may sound like a tired old cliche, but it’s very
important: It’s exercise. You see, zombies are walkers not runners, but they’re dead,
so they don’t run out of breath. You just wanna make sure you’re in tip top shape so
you don’t end up somebody’s supper. Now another thing to remember: Whether you’re working
or playing, you never want to let you’re guard down. We’ve all heard it before: “They just
come out of nowhere,” people say. Well, this is what I like to do. Mirrors, I have everywhere.
That way, these nasty walkers can’t sneak up on me. That brings me to my next point:
Weapons. You definitely need some firepower, but the sound of guns frightens my songbirds
and shakes up the hummingbirds. Of course, some zombie experts recommend a baseball bat.
But for me, there’s nothing like a beloved garden spade. You see, it has a nice cutting
edge and a broader sweet spot and longer length for greater protection. Of course, you’re
gonna wanna clean this up as soon as you can because you don’t wanna leave a mark on your
lawn. Now this next tip is self-explanatory, or at least I hope so. You see, you have to
have food and water, certainly, but you also have to protect it. That’s why I use electric
fences. You know, electricity can be very effective, and you can pick up these electrical
fence chargers at your local farm store. Hey, not only are you protecting your food and
your water, but this can be a source of entertainment, hours of amusement. Ooh, good one. Hey, you
might not think this last tip is important, but trust me on this one, it really is. You
see, when the zombie body count begins to stack up so does the aroma and the stench.
So, that’s why I always plant plenty of fragrant flowers. You see, zombies are basically just
rotting flesh, so they produce a lot odor. To mask that odor and bring a nice fragrance
to the house, try planting some of these beautiful flowers. They also look great around the house.
Mmm, that’s nice. You know, the best laid plans of mice and men often don’t work out.
So as the old saying goes: If you can’t beat them, join them. And make sure you subscribe
to eHow Home.

99 Comments

  1. c81050 Author

    Hilarious! I especially liked the zombie fence zapping. The only thing that could make this better is if you had your brother Chris in it too (but not as a zombie.)

    Reply
  2. scarpien Author

    That was epic!! You sure are very skilled at using that shovel. Looks like you've had some serious batting practice in the past. Or maybe you were a major league baseball player in a past life? ;o)

    Reply
  3. ssgardengirl Author

    What fun!

    We were having problems with the Zombie pit-bull mutt next door attacking our sweet old Lab-mutt. Keeping an old shovel handle handy next to the patio door was enough to ward him off until his Zombie parents finally put up a fence last winter. Fortunately we didn't need to use the shovel handle – all the blood, and stench would have been an incovenience.

    We're keeping extra shovels on hand for the Apocalypse.

    Reply
  4. johnthepyromaniac Author

    the last tip is wrong. if you cant beat them shoot yourself in the head so you wont become one of them and also to help stop the apocolypse sooner

    Reply
  5. Mark Stroud Author

    yeah the flowers look nice around the house i bet if you plant more then people running from the zombies will take pictures to see how to care for their home. jk

    Reply
  6. UltraFlashlight Author

    Don't forget to plant plenty of Monkshood around your garden beds as well. You wouldn't want any of that rotting flesh to attract werewolves. Also, I found that a wreath of garlic around the front door makes for a handy deterent against vampires and the unholy undead. For an extra punch, try adding antique silver plated ornaments to the wreath. It makes for a stunning entrance and also bolsters your undead defenses. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  7. jasonsls96 Author

    an electric fence is designed to let small animals touch it without harming them only giving them a small, short burst of electricity so it wouldn't really work on zombies. love the vid though very funny.

    Reply
  8. the gaming hamburger Author

    Here is my plan before zombie apocalypse find secret place that has 70 inch walls thick thickest doors then go to store get 3 gallons of water a day canned food favorite foods of course weapons bring all of that to the secret place and has electricity and WiFi (if possible ) if not than just a phone offline ds game boy and other small electronics when apocalypse happens I'll already have my grandma if I can my mom if. I can my brother if I can my two baby sister's if I can well have guns and stuff a long supply of food and water as well as melee weapons and light armor if the place gets compromised we go to the backup place that is exactly the same and water for the whole thing to blow over if it doesn't then eventually dir of old age sickness and other stufd

    Reply
  9. r pal Author

    This caught me off guard when I was watching PBS!
    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚It made me laugh so hard! Thank You P. Allen Smith You made my day! You are GREAT! πŸ˜„ πŸ’•

    Reply

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